I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to be secret-free. There’s always some private thing that is only yours, the "secret anniversary" of your first kiss, as Samantha Bennett calls it. Or, like a Russian poet Anna Akhmatova states it,

In closeness there is some inviolable bound,
Impossible to cross by passionate devotion -

Yet there’s a price for keeping a secret. I define a secret as whatever information you are afraid to tell to your partner. The price is less closeness.

The law of keeping secrets is very precise: the more secrets there are between two people, the less closeness there is between them.

This is because secrets take space. To keep a secret, you need to create a little distance from your partner. You don’t want your partner to notice, feel, or intuit your secret, so you push him or her a little bit away when you hug.

Then you notice the distance and get upset. You want complete closeness but you can’t ask for it, because somewhere deep inside you know that having complete closeness requires revealing your secret. So, in order to safeguard that secret, you start keeping the secret about wanting closeness, and the divide between you and your partner widens.

That’s how it goes….



Oxana Holtmann

Oxana Holtmann is a Conscious Living coach and an advisor to globally mobile professionals and their life partners. She is the founder of Oxana Holtmann International, a coaching platform that promotes true homecoming through mindfulness, body intelligence, wonder and co-creativity at work and in relationships. Oxana loves writing, discovering and disseminating practical wisdom, and noticing everyday beauty. Oxana grew up in Siberia and now lives with her family in Washington, D.C.